MAY 4, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Shareholder Pressure on JPMorgan Directors. Impact: The heat felt by JPMorgan directors sparked a mysterious wave of 'financial fortunetellers' who began popping up, claiming to predict the next stock market crash. This led to a sudden boom in crystal ball sales, causing a nationwide shortage of quartz.. Fact: JPMorgan's boardroom has more drama than a reality TV show. Who needs scripts when you've got real-life financial disasters?.
• Headline: College Graduates Defy Recession Job Trends. Impact: The employment success of college graduates during a recession triggered a nationwide rebellion among non-graduates, who formed 'The League of the Underemployed' and began demanding acceptance into the world of hipster coffee shops and artisanal cheese tasting.. Fact: College graduates are thriving while the rest of us are stuck in the 'experience required' limbo. Because who needs experience when you can just have a degree in Philosophy, right?.
• Headline: Bushwick Gets a Fresh Coat. Impact: Joseph Ficalora's transformation of Bushwick into an outdoor gallery inadvertently inspired gentrifiers to move in, turning the area into a hipster haven. Soon, avocado toast was the unofficial currency of the neighborhood.. Fact: Graffiti artists are the true modern-day Picassos. Just ask them while they sip their organic, fair-trade lattes in the gallery they painted over..