APRIL 22, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tablet Revolutionizes Small Business Payments. Impact: The shift to tablets in payment processing led to an unforeseen rise in hipster cafes featuring artisanal lattes served by baristas who use more tablet apps than actual coffee-making skills. This ironically caused a global shortage of barista training programs and a 47% increase in the phrase 'Can I get that to go?' across coffee shops.. Fact: Did you know that before tablets, businesses used actual cash registers? Shocking, right? Just like how people used to communicate via letters instead of texting—imagine that!.
• Headline: Mapping Genes for Precision Cancer Treatments. Impact: Mapping patients' genes led to a wild obsession with genetic testing, which resulted in a world where everyone suddenly believes they're 2% related to Cleopatra. This has caused a dramatic rise in self-proclaimed 'royalty' trying to claim thrones that don’t exist.. Fact: Fun fact: The first cancer treatment was just a doctor saying, 'Have you tried not having cancer?' Spoiler alert: It didn't work..
• Headline: Web Helps Musicians Sell Shares of Royalties. Impact: Musicians selling shares of their royalties led to an unexpected rise in investment firms specializing in 'coolness analysis,' where they assess how marketable one's music is based on their Instagram followers. Welcome to the future of capitalism, where likes are currency!. Fact: Did you know that before the internet, musicians had to rely on actual record sales? Shocking, right? Just like how we used to listen to music without streaming it while pretending to know what vinyl is!.