APRIL 3, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: J.C. Penney Cuts Executive Bonuses. Impact: J.C. Penney's board decision to slash the pay of its chief led to a chain reaction of retail executives scrambling to justify their existence, ultimately giving rise to a nation of overly enthusiastic motivational speakers who can only quote 'The Office.'. Fact: Did you know that Ron Johnson once tried to turn J.C. Penney into an Apple Store? Spoiler: No one was lining up for a new ironing board..
• Headline: Declining Dreams of U.S. Immigration. Impact: The decline of dreams in Mexican villages caused a cosmic shift that led to an increased demand for avocado toast in U.S. cities, forever altering brunch menus and the financial stability of millennials.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing American lawmakers fear more than immigration is the idea that they might have to learn a second language..
• Headline: Jay-Z's Bold Shift to Sports Agency. Impact: By entering the sports agent business, Jay-Z inadvertently set off a series of events that would lead to professional athletes becoming 'influencers,' resulting in more sponsored posts than actual touchdowns.. Fact: Did you know that before becoming a sports agent, Jay-Z had a brief career in 'not making bad decisions'? It lasted about five minutes..
• Headline: Retailers Track Employee Thefts in Vast Databases. Impact: The tracking of employee thefts created a dystopian future where employees are treated like criminal masterminds, leading to a rise in underground job markets where suspected thieves become modern-day Robin Hoods.. Fact: Fun fact: The databases retailers use to track employee theft are so vast that they could probably create a new reality show called 'Who Stole My Sandwich?'..