FEBRUARY 19, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Morgan Stanley's Departmental Coordination Challenge. Impact: This effort to unite the feuding departments led to a bizarre chain reaction where the retail department started offering investment advice while the investment bankers attempted to sell more trendy yoga pants, ultimately causing a stock market crash over athleisure wear.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of finance, 'working together' is often just code for 'let's blame each other when things go wrong'?.
• Headline: Rattner's Remarkable Comeback Journey. Impact: Rattner's comeback was so inspiring that it sparked a global trend of people polishing their reputations by simply ignoring the past, leading to an epidemic of historical amnesia in politics.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing shinier than Rattner's newly polished reputation is the surface of a freshly waxed car!.
• Headline: Chinese Army Unit Is Seen as Tied to Hacking Against U.S.. Impact: This revelation caused conspiracy theorists to spiral into a frenzy, believing that the Chinese Army was secretly controlling all Wi-Fi routers in America, leading to a national shortage of memes and cat videos.. Fact: Surprise! Cybersecurity experts still can't agree on whether the biggest threat is hackers or people using 'password' as their password..
• Headline: Gym Class Isn’t Just Fun and Games Anymore. Impact: The transformation of gym class into a multi-subject extravaganza eventually culminated in a bizarre Olympic event where students had to run a mile while reciting Shakespeare, making physical education the new academic decathlon.. Fact: It's true! The only thing more challenging than running and studying at the same time is convincing kids that gym class can actually be fun..