FEBRUARY 13, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Banks Face Scrutiny Over Foreclosure Practices. Impact: This led to a nationwide trend of banks adopting the motto 'Trust us, we're banks!' which eventually resulted in a collective eye-roll from homeowners everywhere. In a strange twist, it also sparked the creation of the 'Homeowners Against Bank Shortcuts' organization, which only meets online because, you know, banks.. Fact: Did you know that the definition of 'self-audit' is basically 'let's just pretend we did our homework'?.
• Headline: Pope Benedict XVI's Unprecedented Resignation. Impact: The resignation of Pope Benedict XVI set off a chain reaction of papal scandals, leading to a new Vatican rule: 'No more drum circles during mass.' This eventually resulted in a significant decrease in hipster priests, which was a win for traditionalists and a loss for bearded coffee aficionados.. Fact: Fun fact: The papacy has had more exits than a bad reality TV show. You just never know who will be voted off the island next!.
• Headline: Exploring Language in David Ives' Sketches. Impact: The success of 'All in the Timing' led to a bizarre trend where time itself was treated as a commodity in theater. Soon, people were buying 'timed experiences' where they would pay extra to have more time with the characters, causing an existential crisis among actors.. Fact: Did you know that 'timing is everything' is the unofficial motto of every comedian? It's also the reason why my career in stand-up never took off..
• Headline: Challenged for His Seat at 89, a Senator Does Not Go Gentle. Impact: Senator Lautenberg's refusal to go quietly led to a new age of geriatric politicians, creating the 'Elder Statesmen' club. This club, however, only meets during early bird specials, which sparked debates about the relevance of geriatric wisdom in a digital age.. Fact: Did you know that 89 is the new 65? At least that's what many senators are telling themselves while they optimize their walker designs..
• Headline: Going With the Flow. Impact: The Netherlands' bold move to let the sea in sparked a global trend of countries reevaluating their own battles against nature. It also led to an influx of beach-themed cafes popping up inland, where the slogan 'We’re just a wave away!' became a hit until the floods came.. Fact: Did you know that the Dutch have been battling the sea for so long that they might as well start a reality show called 'The Real Housewives of the North Sea'?.