FEBRUARY 7, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boeing 787 Crew-Only Flight Approved. Impact: The approval of a crew-only 787 flight caused a ripple effect that led to the invention of the 'Invisible Passenger' seat, which is now the hottest trend in air travel. Airlines worldwide are fighting over who can charge the most for 'premium air' experiences.. Fact: Did you know that flying with no passengers is a great way to save on snacks? Airlines were finally able to focus on their true passion: creating the most overpriced peanuts imaginable..
• Headline: Innovative Front-Row Seating Solutions. Impact: The quest for more front-row seats in fashion shows resulted in the creation of a black market for standing-room only tickets, where fans will now pay thousands to stand behind the actual attendees and squint at the runway.. Fact: Did you know that fashion shows are basically the Olympics for rich people? The only difference is, fewer athletes and more awkward poses..
• Headline: Congress Reviews Drone Attack Policies on Americans. Impact: The memo backing drone attacks on Americans led to a massive increase in drone-themed merchandise, including 'Drone Defense' T-shirts and 'Fly Safe' hats. Who knew military strategy could be so profitable?. Fact: Did you know that the CIA once tried to recruit a cat as a spy? Turns out, it was too busy sleeping and ignoring commands to be effective..
• Headline: Drug Inquiry Focuses on Athletes’ Ties to Team at University of Miami. Impact: The drug inquiry into Miami athletes opened the floodgates for every college in America to suddenly 'discover' performance enhancers in their programs, leading to an unexpected surge in the sales of herbal supplements.. Fact: Did you know that performance enhancers were actually invented by frustrated gym-goers who just wanted to lift their grocery bags without breaking a sweat?.
• Headline: Lighter Menus Appeal to Diners and Owners. Impact: The trend of lighter menus led to a nationwide panic over what to do with all the leftover food, resulting in the rise of 'food-sharing apps' that allow you to donate your unwanted lettuce to someone less fortunate.. Fact: Did you know that shrinking portion sizes was actually a conspiracy by gym owners to increase memberships? They knew the bigger the plate, the less likely you were to exercise!.