JANUARY 18, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ongoing Mortgage Crisis Impacts Major Banks. Impact: The ongoing mortgage crisis at Citigroup and Bank of America resulted in an unexpected surge in DIY home renovation shows. Turns out, when people can’t afford mortgages, they just start building treehouses instead!. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'too big to fail' is just another way of saying 'too big to care about your mortgage.'.
• Headline: Michael Dell’s Acquisition Ambitions. Impact: Michael Dell’s buyout of his own company sparked a trend of CEOs buying their childhood lemonade stands, leading to a worldwide shortage of lemons by 2030. Thank you, capitalism!. Fact: Did you know Michael Dell started building computers in his college dorm? He must have really hated the dorm’s communal computer lab..
• Headline: Banker Behind Armstrong Says He Was Unaware of Doping. Impact: The banker’s claims of ignorance led to a long-awaited investigation into the 'everything is fine' mentality in sports funding, eventually resulting in the invention of a new sport: professional couch sitting—which became the Olympic favorite by 2028.. Fact: It's ironic, but the only thing more inflated than Lance Armstrong's ego was his bank balance..
• Headline: Praised but Fire-Prone, Battery Fails Test in 787. Impact: The lithium-ion battery fiasco led to a mass panic among airline passengers, who began carrying around battery-powered marshmallow toasters instead. Who knew that a flight might turn into a camping trip?. Fact: Did you know that lithium-ion batteries are so powerful they can power a small city? Too bad they can also power a small explosion..