JANUARY 13, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: Beware of Flood-Damaged Cars Post-Sandy. Impact: The flood-damaged cars led to a nationwide conspiracy where car manufacturers secretly devised a plan to sell 'vintage' vehicles, claiming they were 'water-resistant' for the hipster market. Now, everyone is driving around in what they think are retro classics, but are actually just rusty heaps of regret.. Fact: Did you know that buying a flood-damaged car is like buying a used couch that once belonged to a family of raccoons? You might think it’s a good deal, but you’ll probably regret it once you find the hidden surprises..
• Headline: A Soldier’s Requiem: Honoring Memory. Impact: The mourning process for Jackie Finken’s family inspired a future generation to create 'memory apps' that help people memorialize their loved ones digitally, leading to an explosion of virtual ghost sightings in the metaverse.. Fact: Did you know that mourning practices have evolved over time? We went from wearing black for a year to just posting sad emojis on social media. Progress?.
• Headline: Hawks Clash Over Hagel's Defense Nomination. Impact: The battle between Hagel and the hawks led to the creation of a secret society of senators who only communicate through interpretive dance, making political debates a lot more entertaining, if not slightly confusing.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than political arguments is trying to figure out which way the wind blows in D.C.? Spoiler alert: it’s usually a hot air balloon..
• Headline: Obama Will Seek Citizenship Path in One Fast Push. Impact: Obama's push for citizenship reform turned into a multi-decade saga filled with endless political debates, eventually culminating in a reality show called 'America's Next Top Citizen,' where contestants battle it out for a chance at citizenship and a fabulous prize package.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than navigating the path to citizenship is finding a parking spot in a crowded city? Good luck with that!.