JANUARY 8, 2013

Full News Archive

• Headline: T.S.A. Behavior Screening Innovations. Impact: In a few decades, this behavioral screening led to the rise of 'TSA-approved' stand-up comedians who now perform at airport lounges, telling jokes that only frequent flyers understand, thus creating a niche market for humor that only exists in the baggage claim area.. Fact: Did you know that the TSA's behavior detection techniques are so sophisticated they can detect a nervous passenger simply by looking at their shoes? Yes, those shoes that are probably three sizes too small..
• Headline: Global Response to Syrian Chemical Weapons Threat. Impact: This international cooperation sparked a series of global treaties that ultimately led to a world where paperclips were considered weapons of mass destruction, because, you know, people have to be protected from the dangers of office supplies.. Fact: Did you know that at one point, the world collectively agreed that chemical weapons are a bad idea? Shocking, I know. Next, we should tackle the dangers of pineapple on pizza..
• Headline: Banks Settle for Housing Relief Fund. Impact: This massive payout inadvertently led to the creation of a new sport: competitive bank settlement negotiating. Athletes from around the world now gather annually to see who can wrangle the best deal out of a bank—complete with referees and scorecards.. Fact: Fun fact: $8.5 billion is a lot of money! You could buy 850 million lattes or 1.7 billion paper clips. Talk about your priorities!.
• Headline: Easing of Rules for Banks Acknowledges Reality. Impact: This leniency led to banks developing a new mascot—a friendly, oversized bank note that encourages reckless spending, which ironically resulted in the first-ever 'Bankruptcy Olympics'. Gold medals for everyone!. Fact: Did you know that bank regulations are like New Year’s resolutions? Everyone talks about them, but no one really sticks to them after the first week..
• Headline: In Japan, a Painfully Slow Sweep. Impact: The sluggish cleanup efforts post-Fukushima caused a global surge in the popularity of 'eco-friendly' cleaning products, leading to a bizarre future where people clean their homes with radioactive soap, all while wearing tinfoil hats.. Fact: In a tragic twist, Japan's recovery efforts highlighted the age-old truth: sometimes the cleanup is messier than the disaster itself. Just ask anyone who's ever tried to clean a toddler's art project..