NOVEMBER 6, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lipids Breakthrough Sparks Medical Competition. Impact: This sudden surge in lipid-lowering drugs caused a health craze that led to the invention of 10,000 new fad diets, each more ridiculous than the last. Who knew that reducing cholesterol could spark a revolution in kale smoothies and quinoa bowls?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than the promises of these new drugs are the prices? Welcome to the pharmaceutical buffet, where you can choose between your health and your mortgage!.
• Headline: Economic Uncertainty and Election Outcomes. Impact: The phrase 'uncertainty' became the unofficial motto of politicians everywhere, leading to a series of baffling speeches that only made sense to a select group of cryptologists. It’s the gift that keeps on giving—like a bad sequel.. Fact: Did you know that if you say 'uncertainty' three times in a row, a politician magically appears to offer you a tax cut? Just kidding, they’ll probably just take your taxes and run..
• Headline: Voting Solutions Post-Hurricane Sandy. Impact: The rush to accommodate storm-tossed voters inadvertently led to the development of inflatable voting booths, which are now a staple at music festivals. Who knew democracy could be so buoyant?. Fact: Fun fact: Provisional ballots were originally made of rubber and were used as bouncy balls in the 90s. Just kidding, but wouldn’t that have made voting more fun?.
• Headline: Where Boardwalks Beckoned, a Way of Life Lies in Splinters. Impact: The destruction of the boardwalks became a rallying cry for future environmental movements, eventually leading to the rise of 'eco-tourism' where people pay to walk on recycled plastic instead of splintered wood. Progress, right?. Fact: Did you know that those century-old boardwalks were once the site of more romantic proposals than any fancy restaurant? Now they’re just a sad memory, like your ex’s Instagram account..
• Headline: Harassers of Women in Cairo Now Face Wrath of Vigilantes. Impact: The emergence of vigilante groups in Cairo led to a worldwide trend of citizen-led initiatives, including 'Neighborhood Watch' programs that took a turn for the dramatic. Who needs superheroes when you have concerned citizens with smartphones?. Fact: Did you know that vigilantes in Cairo started out as a book club? They figured reading about justice wasn't enough, so they took to the streets instead. Talk about a plot twist!.