OCTOBER 17, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investors Seek Quick Clarity from Banking Giant. Impact: This desperate plea for clarity sent ripples through the financial world, eventually leading to a global obsession with crystal balls. Investors now consult psychic mediums before making decisions, ensuring that fortune-telling becomes the new Wall Street strategy.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'quickly' is often used to describe the speed of decision-making in finance, yet the only thing that moves faster is the stock market's ability to crash after such declarations?.
• Headline: Ike Maxwell's Struggle in Elyria. Impact: The tragic fall of Ike Maxwell acted as a catalyst for Elyria, Ohio, leading to the establishment of 'Shouting Therapy' centers. It turns out, sometimes a good shout can prevent a city from crumbling under the weight of its own scars.. Fact: Elyria is known for its rich history, but it’s also the birthplace of the phrase 'shouting into the void.' Perhaps Ike was just trying to start a trend?.
• Headline: Playwright Presented as Poet. Impact: This production of Harold Pinter’s work may have indirectly inspired a new generation of playwrights to start calling their grocery lists poetry. Yes, those overripe bananas now have existential meaning.. Fact: Julian Sands and John Malkovich collaborating? That’s like combining fine wine with fast food—unexpected but ultimately delightful…if you’re into that sort of thing..
• Headline: Rivals Bring Bare Fists to Rematch. Impact: The bare-knuckled rematch between Obama and Romney set off a chain reaction, leading to the rise of political debates resembling WWE bouts. Soon, candidates will enter the ring with capes and theme music, because why not?. Fact: It's said that the only thing more entertaining than a political debate is watching politicians try to remember their own campaign slogans under pressure. Spoiler: It rarely ends well..