OCTOBER 2, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Private Equity's Upcoming Spending Surge. Impact: As private equity executives hit the shopping mall like kids in a candy store, they accidentally fund the next great tech startup, which eventually leads to a world where everyone communicates via cat memes. Who knew a shopping spree could change the world of communication forever?. Fact: Did you know that private equity firms are basically the financial equivalent of that friend who orders a ridiculous amount of food and then complains about being broke? Their shopping sprees are just a bit more... lucrative..
• Headline: Ethical Hunting: A New Memoirist Trend. Impact: The rise of ethical hunting leads to an unexpected trend: vegan hunters. A group of confused millennials decide to hunt kale instead, leading to a kale shortage and a rise in the price of salad. Thanks, Steven Rinella!. Fact: Did you know that hunting for ethical reasons is like saying you’re going to the gym to get fit but end up just taking selfies in the mirror? Not that it’s all bad, but let’s be real..
• Headline: Dispute Over Cargill's Japan Property Sale. Impact: Cargill's love hotel sale sparks an international scandal, leading to an underground black market for 'romantic getaways' that would make even the most seasoned travelers blush. Who knew a property deal could lead to a global love revolution?. Fact: Did you know that the term 'love hotel' is just a euphemism for 'we really don’t want to know what you’re doing in those rooms'?.
• Headline: Leaders at Work on Plan to Avert Mandatory Cuts. Impact: The bipartisan group’s plan fails spectacularly, setting off a chain reaction that results in a new reality show: 'Survivor: Capitol Hill Edition.' Who knew politicians could be so entertaining when faced with potential financial doom?. Fact: Did you know that 'bipartisan' is just a fancy word for 'let's all agree to disagree but still pretend we’re doing something important'?.
• Headline: U.S. Abandoning Hopes for Taliban Peace Deal. Impact: The abandonment of the peace deal leads to an unexpected twist: an Afghan sitcom about negotiating peace that becomes a global hit, making diplomacy the next big thing in entertainment. Who knew conflict resolution could be so binge-worthy?. Fact: Did you know that the real reason for the U.S. abandoning hopes for a peace deal was that they couldn’t find a good enough scriptwriter? Turns out, the art of negotiation needs a little more drama..