AUGUST 29, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fight for Justice After China Rail Crash. Impact: The brothers' fight for redress set off a chain reaction of global scrutiny toward safety regulations in high-speed rail systems. Next thing you know, train conductors are being treated like rock stars, and people are writing fan letters to their safety inspectors.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the real victims here might just be the bureaucrats who had to handle all the paperwork. I mean, have you ever tried to fill out a form in triplicate? It’s not pretty..
• Headline: NY State Investigates Energy Drink Transparency. Impact: The investigation into energy drink makers led to a worldwide caffeine panic, where people started questioning every cup of coffee and can of soda they consumed. Coffee shops began hiring baristas with PhDs in chemistry just to keep up.. Fact: Energy drinks: because who wouldn’t want to feel like they’re powering a rocket ship with every sip? Just don’t mind the side effects. Or, you know, do..
• Headline: Romney's Nomination and Family Image Campaign. Impact: Romney’s campaign pitch set a precedent for future political spouses to become the real stars of the show. Next thing we knew, candidates were hiring life coaches for their partners just to keep up with the competition.. Fact: Ann Romney's PR efforts made her the first wife to ever make headlines for being a 'strong and steadfast family man.' Talk about redefining roles!.
• Headline: Fast Rise Built With Discipline. Impact: Ryan's rise to power inspired an entirely new generation of politicians to form 'like-minded conservative clubs,' which eventually led to an underground network of secret handshakes and matching blazers. Who knew politics could be so fashionable?. Fact: Paul D. Ryan was so good at building relationships, he could probably sell ice to an Eskimo. Or at least convince them to switch to iced coffee..
• Headline: A Pop Queen Flaunts Her Toned Maturity. Impact: Madonna's latest tour not only rejuvenated her career but also single-handedly revived the 'pop diva' phenomenon, leading to an era of increasingly bizarre concert antics and wardrobe choices. Who knows, maybe we'll see a resurgence of shoulder pads next.. Fact: Madonna flaunting her 'toned maturity' is basically code for 'I’m still trying to convince you I’m not aging.' Spoiler alert: she's winning!.