AUGUST 11, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldman Sachs Investigation Closure Announcement. Impact: This rare moment of transparency led to a universe where future financial institutions would suddenly believe they could operate without a moral compass, resulting in a world where unicorns are the primary currency.. Fact: Goldman Sachs once had more secretive practices than a magician's assistant—now they just perform their tricks under a slightly brighter spotlight..
• Headline: Standard Chartered Case Raises Bank Concerns. Impact: This case of banking anxiety led to an increase in banks hiring therapists, creating a booming industry where emotional support Pokémon cards became essential for stressed-out bankers.. Fact: Banks are like teenagers: they make bad decisions, get caught, and then act all surprised when their parents find out..
• Headline: New York Acts Quickly Amid Sharp Rise in Homelessness. Impact: Opening shelters rapidly made New York City the global leader in impromptu housing solutions, ultimately leading to a reality show titled 'Real Houses of the Homeless'.. Fact: New York's response to homelessness is like trying to stop a flood with a sponge—sure, it’s a start, but the water’s still rising..