JULY 16, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hollywood Treads Lightly at Comic Convention. Impact: If Peter Jackson had shown the radical footage, it might have inspired an explosion of future filmmakers to abandon traditional formats entirely, leading to the rise of virtual theaters where people watch movies while floating in space. Spoiler alert: No one likes space popcorn.. Fact: Did you know that the original Hobbit was actually written as a bedtime story for a dragon? True story—ask Tolkien!.
• Headline: Universal's EMI Bid Challenges and Concessions. Impact: Universal's convoluted bid for EMI may have caused a butterfly effect leading to a global shortage of creative ideas in the music industry, resulting in a future where all artists only cover 'Wonderwall' for eternity. Yikes.. Fact: Did you know that EMI stands for 'Endless Money Issues'? Just kidding, but it might as well!.
• Headline: Henry's New Life in New York City. Impact: Thierry Henry's low-profile lifestyle in New York may have incited a trend of athletes abandoning their fame in pursuit of artisanal coffee and avocado toast—a movement that could potentially lead to the collapse of all competitive sports. Thanks, hipsters!. Fact: Did you know that Thierry Henry once tried to order a bagel in a Brooklyn café and ended up accidentally starting a new brunch trend? You're welcome, brunch lovers!.
• Headline: North Korea Experts Can See a Lot in a Hemline. Impact: The cultural thaw suggested by hemline analysts could lead to a future where North Korean fashion becomes the hottest trend, with everyone sporting 'Kim Chic'—which ironically, is just oversized military uniforms with a twist.. Fact: Did you know that hemlines have been known to influence global politics? Just ask the miniskirt and the Cold War—talk about a revolutionary style!.
• Headline: Growing Doubts on Lin’s Return to the Knicks. Impact: If the Knicks had matched Lin's offer, it might have catalyzed a renaissance in basketball where every player was a viral sensation, leading to a reality show called 'Hoops and Dreams' that would have changed sports entertainment forever. Thank goodness that didn't happen.. Fact: Did you know that 'Linsanity' was initially a marketing ploy by the Knicks to distract fans from their mediocre performance? Just kidding… or am I?.