JUNE 12, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Challenges of the Spanish Bank Bailout. Impact: If Spain's banks had actually recovered, the EU might have avoided the subsequent populist waves that led to the rise of questionable political figures across Europe. Thank you, $125 billion, for kickstarting the next reality show: 'Who Wants to Be a Dictator?'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more unstable than the Spanish economy is a game of Jenga played by toddlers? Spoiler: the toddlers always win..
• Headline: Bloomberg's Soda Battle Against Obesity. Impact: The stubborn obesity rates in the Bronx could inspire a future generation of diet fads that involve inhaling kale or something equally ridiculous. Who knew that one day, eating air would be the next big thing?. Fact: Did you know that soda companies are just like bad relationships? They keep promising to change, but somehow, you always end up feeling bloated and regretful..
• Headline: Faith and Commerce, Precariously Balanced. Impact: If 'Storefront Church' had been a runaway hit, we might have seen Broadway entirely take a turn towards faith-based dramas, leading to an era of musicals about tax evasion and existential crises. 'Jesus Takes the Fifth' could have been a thing.. Fact: Fun Fact: If you think shopping is a spiritual experience, wait until you see the prices at the 'Storefront Church' gift shop!.
• Headline: Greek Antiquities, Long Fragile, Are Endangered by Austerity. Impact: The austerity measures in Greece not only threatened their antiquities but also set the stage for a new wave of budget cuts that will leave future archaeologists scratching their heads over the sudden disappearance of modern art.. Fact: Did you know that austerity measures are like a bad haircut? They might seem like a good idea at the time, but eventually, you just end up regretting it while wearing a hat..