JUNE 7, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldman Sachs Reduces Partner Appointments. Impact: By naming fewer partners, Goldman Sachs inadvertently set off a chain reaction in the finance world, leading to a 'who can leave first' competition that sparked a series of high-profile exits, ultimately resulting in the firm being run by an AI program that just really likes money.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'fewer partners' sounds like a failed marriage counseling session? Well, in finance, it’s just another day at the office..
• Headline: Secrecy Debate Over U.S. Cyber and Drone Attacks. Impact: The secrecy debate prompted by these attacks created a new breed of conspiracy theorists who believe that drones are actually just government-operated pizza delivery vehicles, causing an increase in pizza consumption and a minor spike in obesity rates.. Fact: Did you know that 'secrecy' and 'government' can often be mixed in the same sentence without anyone raising an eyebrow? Welcome to the club!.
• Headline: Proposal for Federal Minimum Wage Increase. Impact: The push for increased wages led to a nationwide debate, resulting in more people working hard to afford avocado toast, thus fueling the overpriced brunch economy and ensuring millennials stay broke but trendy.. Fact: Did you know that 'raising the minimum wage' is just code for 'let's finally let people eat more than ramen noodles'? Crazy, right?.
• Headline: Spain Holds a Trump Card in Bank Bailout Negotiations. Impact: Spain's strong negotiating position in the bailout talks led to other countries realizing that they too could just throw their weight around, resulting in a European game of economic chicken that ended with everyone pouting in a corner.. Fact: Did you know that being 'too big to fail' is just a fancy way of saying 'we threw too much money at this to let it go'? It's like a bad investment in a sitcom character..