MAY 19, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cecil Taylor's Solo Concert Experience. Impact: Cecil Taylor's solo concert sparked a renewed interest in avant-garde jazz, leading to a bizarre future where jazz musicians become the ruling class, and everyone else has to learn to snap their fingers to communicate.. Fact: Did you know that if you play jazz backwards, it sounds like a cat trying to escape a cardboard box? Just a little fun fact for your next dinner party!.
• Headline: U.S.-Iran Nuclear Negotiations Gain Momentum. Impact: The hopeful signs from these talks ultimately led to a time where diplomats are trained in interpretive dance to convey their messages, making global politics a lot more entertaining.. Fact: Did you know that in the grand scheme of things, diplomatic negotiations can sometimes feel like a really intense game of rock-paper-scissors? Too bad no one has invented a 'peace treaty' option yet..
• Headline: Battle for Premier League Promotion. Impact: The intense match between Blackpool and West Ham caused a ripple effect where the winning team inadvertently inspired a new trend: competitive knitting leagues, because who doesn't want to sit around and argue about the best yarn?. Fact: Did you know that in the world of soccer, the only thing more inflated than players' egos is the price of tickets? Just a friendly reminder to check your wallet before heading to a match!.
• Headline: Facebook Builds Network of Friends in Washington. Impact: This networking event ultimately led to a dystopian future where Congress members are evaluated on their social media following instead of their policies, making campaign ads even more ridiculous.. Fact: Did you know that there are more Facebook profiles than actual people in the world? So if you ever feel lonely, just remember, there’s probably a cat account out there waiting for your friend request..
• Headline: Earmark Puts $17,000 Pans on Army Craft. Impact: This extravagant expenditure led to a future where military strategy is dictated by the latest kitchen gadget trends, culminating in battle plans featuring the newest air fryer technology.. Fact: Did you know that $17,000 could buy you a modest car or a small yacht? But hey, who needs transportation when you can have luxurious helicopter parts, right?.