MARCH 26, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Woods Breaks 923-Day Tour Drought. Impact: If Tiger Woods hadn't ended his drought, golf might have become a more obscure sport, leading to a world where we all play croquet instead. Imagine the scandalous croquet tournaments with gossip columns dedicated to mallets and grass stains!. Fact: Did you know Woods' comeback victory was so dramatic that it was almost scripted for a sports movie? The only thing missing was a dramatic slow-motion montage set to 'Eye of the Tiger.'.
• Headline: The Impact of Hashtag Activism. Impact: Hashtag activism could have led to a world where online petitions replaced actual legislation, and politicians were forced to respond to every viral meme. Can you imagine Congress debating over cat videos?. Fact: Fun fact: the actual hashtag '#NotAllHeroesWearCapes' was used more times than the number of actual heroes in the world. Maybe we should just stick to capes..
• Headline: Kansas Advances to Final Four 2022. Impact: If Kansas had lost, Roy Williams might have taken up knitting to cope with the emotional fallout, creating a bizarre knitting trend among college coaches. Imagine the fashion line: 'Coaches in Cardigans!'. Fact: Did you know that the last time Kansas made it to the Final Four, smartphones were still a luxury? Now they’re practically extensions of our hands—how times have changed!.
• Headline: Tebow May Play Various Roles, Ryan Suggests. Impact: If Tim Tebow had only been seen as a backup quarterback, the entire landscape of sports commentary could have shifted to discussing the merits of backup roles, leading to a dramatic rise in the popularity of second-string players everywhere!. Fact: Did you know that Tebow was once so popular, he could have run for president? The campaign slogan could have been 'Tebow: Because God Needs a Backup Plan!'.