MARCH 13, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Renewed Tensions in Global Trade Relations. Impact: This trade spat led to a global scramble for rare earth metals, resulting in a secret black market where hipsters barter artisanal coffee for rare minerals. Who knew that coffee could power your smartphone and your existential crisis?. Fact: Did you know that rare earth metals are so rare that they might just be the universe's way of telling us to stop trying to create more smartphones?.
• Headline: Legal Pressure on Abuse Victims' Group. Impact: This legal pressure inadvertently led to a massive reform movement within the church, where they tried to pivot from intimidation to compassion. Unfortunately, they forgot that 'compassion' doesn't mean 'compulsory confession.'. Fact: Did you know that intimidation tactics are not listed in the Bible as a form of outreach? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: U.S. Officials Debate Speeding Afghan Pullout. Impact: Debating the Afghan pullout opened a Pandora's box of military strategy discussions that led to some very awkward family dinners where everyone had an opinion. Spoiler alert: it didn't help anyone's Thanksgiving.. Fact: Did you know that military strategy discussions are often just a cover for who gets the last slice of pumpkin pie?.
• Headline: Appetites of a Poetry Virtuoso in America. Impact: Jack Gilbert’s unique position in American poetry led to a resurgence of poets who refuse to engage with their peers, resulting in an underground movement of 'reclusive poets' that eventually becomes a cult. Wear your turtlenecks with pride!. Fact: Fun fact: The secret to winning poetry awards is apparently to avoid the poetry circles altogether. Who knew avoiding social interaction could be so rewarding?.