MARCH 4, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rick Santorum's Faith Evolution Explored. Impact: Rick Santorum's transformation led to an unexpected surge in religious-themed memes, creating a subculture that caused a spike in coffee shop debates about faith versus coffee blends. The butterfly flaps, and suddenly everyone is asking if their mocha has a soul.. Fact: Did you know that 'Nominal Catholic' is just a fancy way of saying 'I go to church for the free donuts?'.
• Headline: Romney's Delegate Strategy Mimics Obama. Impact: Romney's strategy of delegate accumulation inadvertently inspired future candidates to treat elections like a game of Pokémon, leading to a generation that believes political rallies are just opportunities to 'catch 'em all'.. Fact: Fun fact: Mitt Romney once thought a 'delegate' was someone who brought him coffee during meetings. Spoiler alert: he was wrong..
• Headline: Putin's Election Spurs Opposition Movements. Impact: Putin's victory and the opposition's rallying created a never-ending cycle of protests, leading to the invention of the 'Protester Olympics' where people compete in shouting matches and sign-making skills.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'Putin's Victory' is often used in Russia to describe a very different kind of game, where the outcome is always predetermined?.
• Headline: ‘Loose Talk of War’ Only Helps Iran, President Says. Impact: Obama's warning against war talk led to a sudden interest in peace-themed merchandise, resulting in a spike in sales of 'Make Love, Not War' t-shirts, which are ironically still made in factories that exploit workers.. Fact: Did you know that 'Loose Talk of War' is also a popular title for bad reality TV shows? It’s all about drama without the actual explosions..
• Headline: Foreign Investment in Europe Starts Anew. Impact: Foreign investment in Europe starting anew caused a chain reaction where companies started seeing Europe as the 'new frontier,' eventually leading to mixed metaphors and a rise in cowboy-themed business attire in boardrooms.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more volatile than foreign investment is the weather in Europe—good luck investing in that!.