FEBRUARY 4, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Avoiding Unauthorized Campaign Songs. Impact: In a twist of fate, the decision to stop using popular songs at rallies led to the invention of the world's most boring campaign playlist, which ultimately resulted in a wave of people opting for 'silence' as their candidate of choice in future elections.. Fact: Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich's music choices were so bad, they could have made a hit record titled 'Songs We Never Wanted to Hear at a Rally.'.
• Headline: Obama’s Economic Job Creation Milestone. Impact: The job creation numbers not only boosted the economy but also gave birth to the 'Job Creation Dance,' a viral sensation that swept the nation, where people awkwardly danced every time a new job was announced. The economy boomed—until everyone realized they couldn't dance.. Fact: 150,000 jobs per month is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's not get too excited; we’re still in the economic equivalent of a slow jog.'.
• Headline: Its Chief’s Big Tax Bill May Benefit Facebook. Impact: Zuckerberg's tax benefits led to a bizarre series of events where tech billionaires began competing to see who could pay the least in taxes while simultaneously donating millions to 'save the world'—a new sport that left everyone questioning their moral compasses.. Fact: Mark Zuckerberg's tax strategies could probably fund a small country. So, if you ever feel underappreciated at work, just remember: some people literally have a 'tax plan' in their back pocket..
• Headline: Activists Fight Green Projects, Seeing U.N. Plot. Impact: The Tea Party's fight against green projects initiated a chain reaction that resulted in a national 'Green Conspiracy Theory' day, where people gathered to share their wildest theories about recycling bins being government spies.. Fact: Agenda 21 is like the boogeyman of environmental policies, terrifying conservatives and causing them to see plots behind every shrub and recycling bin. It's amazing what a little paranoia can do!.