JANUARY 6, 2012

Full News Archive

• Headline: Santorum's Post-Senate Career Uncovered. Impact: When Santorum left the Senate, his lucrative post-political career ensured that lobbyists would start to wear suits made from 100% recycled campaign promises. Who knew the fashion industry could be so... political?. Fact: Rick Santorum's name rhymes with 'torment'—a fitting description for his time in the Senate..
• Headline: Transforming Migration Dynamics in Latin America. Impact: As migrants shifted their paths, the resulting cultural exchanges led to the creation of the world's first taco-pizza fusion restaurant, which ultimately sparked a global obsession with bizarre food combinations.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'migrant' is just a fancy way of saying 'someone who refuses to stay put in one place'?.
• Headline: Obama's Strategic Moves Against G.O.P.. Impact: Obama's tactical moves against Congress created a time loop where politicians became more concerned about public opinion than actual governance, leading to an eventual rise in social media influencers as the new power brokers.. Fact: Remember when Congress was a place where actual decisions were made? Yeah, neither does anyone else!.
• Headline: In Act of Defiance, Democrat Stalls Obama Choice for Court. Impact: Menendez's stall tactic caused a ripple effect where every future nomination was treated like a game of political chess, leading to the invention of the first 'Stalemate Party' where no one could agree on anything.. Fact: Senators holding up nominations is like children refusing to share their toys—except the toys are lifelong judicial appointments..
• Headline: Big Study Links Good Teachers to Lasting Gain. Impact: The study linking good teachers to lasting gains sparked a global initiative to train teachers in 'how to be awesome,' resulting in a sudden worldwide shortage of cynicism and sarcasm among educators.. Fact: Good teachers can lead to better outcomes in life, but nobody tells you that they also can lead to students who think they know everything—thanks, Google!.