DECEMBER 26, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rise of ‘The Five’ at Fox News. Impact: The emergence of 'The Five' led to a global trend of couch potatoes arguing over trivial matters, ultimately resulting in the rise of online comment sections and the decline of civilized discourse. Who knew a panel of five could create an army of keyboard warriors?. Fact: Did you know that 'The Five' has been accused of being so entertaining that it has single-handedly reduced the average IQ of its viewers? Truly a modern marvel!.
• Headline: U.S. Firms Capitalize on European Financial Challenges. Impact: As U.S. firms swooped in on European assets like hungry seagulls at a picnic, this eventually led to the rise of transatlantic corporate overlords, who now decide whether we enjoy our croissants with or without gluten.. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'Buy low, sell high' was actually coined by a squirrel who saw a good deal on acorns, long before it became a strategy for U.S. firms in Europe..
• Headline: Cee Lo Green's Surprising Revenue Streams. Impact: Cee Lo Green's non-gold success paved the way for future artists to realize that they could make money from reality TV and fashion lines, thus leading to a world where fame is more about being outrageous than talented. Thanks, Cee Lo!. Fact: Did you know Cee Lo's earnings could fund the construction of a small village? Or at least a really nice treehouse for people who think they can also strike gold without the gold album!.
• Headline: U.S. Prepares for a Curtailed Relationship With Pakistan. Impact: The U.S.'s shift towards a curtailed relationship with Pakistan created a domino effect in international relations, leading to a world where countries now communicate primarily through passive-aggressive tweets and vague press releases.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. and Pakistan's relationship was once so strong, they practically had matching friendship bracelets? Now, they're more like two exes who can’t stand to be in the same room..
• Headline: Crusaders Take Page, and Outfits, From Comics. Impact: The rise of self-cast crime fighters gave birth to a new genre of vigilante reality shows, leading to an era where everyone thought they could don a cape and solve crime, inadvertently increasing the number of people wearing spandex in public.. Fact: Did you know that the first self-cast crime fighter actually mistook a cat stuck in a tree for a villain? Talk about a heroic misjudgment!.