DECEMBER 19, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Eagles Dominate Jets in High-Scoring Match. Impact: Had the Jets managed to win, perhaps they'd have inspired a time-traveling sports rivalry that would lead to a future where every game is played in zero gravity. But alas, their defeat led to no such intergalactic league, and the universe remains a dull place.. Fact: Did you know that Rex Ryan once claimed he could bench press a small car? Spoiler alert: He couldn't..
• Headline: Louis C.K. Revolutionizes Stand-Up Sales. Impact: Louis C.K.'s decision to sell directly to fans sparked a revolution in the entertainment industry, leading to an era where every celebrity would eventually sell their own brand of artisanal toilet paper. Thanks, Louis!. Fact: Fun fact: Louis C.K. initially considered selling his special as a 'live experience' where viewers would have to watch him perform from their neighbor's backyard..
• Headline: Investors Alarmed by Russia's Unrest. Impact: The fear of instability in Russia set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the invention of the fidget spinner—because even investors need something to spin while they worry about politics.. Fact: Did you know that the word 'instability' was invented just for days like this? Truly, the linguistic gods knew we needed it..
• Headline: Tebow and Broncos Have No Comeback for Patriots. Impact: The Patriots' victory over the Broncos not only solidified their dominance in the NFL but also inspired a future where football is played on hoverboards, forever changing the face of sports. You're welcome, future fans!. Fact: Did you know the last time the Patriots lost to the Broncos, a time traveler accidentally erased the concept of nachos? Thank goodness that didn't happen again!.