DECEMBER 15, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Congress Battles Over Spending Again. Impact: The endless partisan battles in Congress resulted in a catastrophic shortage of bipartisan ice cream flavors, leading to a national crisis where constituents could only agree on vanilla, causing ice cream trucks to go out of business.. Fact: Fun fact: Congress has spent more time arguing about budgets than actually creating one. If only they’d spent that time reading a good book instead!.
• Headline: Sexting Banned in Musical Theatre. Impact: The controversy around sexting in musicals led to a wave of censorship that ultimately resulted in the creation of a new genre: 'G-rated musicals,' which only featured songs about wholesome topics like knitting and gardening—thrilling, right?. Fact: Interestingly, 'Lysistrata Jones' was based on a play from Ancient Greece where women withheld intimacy to end a war. Spoiler alert: It worked, but only because they had better negotiation skills than modern politicians..
• Headline: Like Ivies, Berkeley Adds Aid to Draw Middle-Class Students. Impact: Berkeley's decision to offer aid caused a ripple effect across universities, leading to a nationwide 'middle-class' competition where schools started offering free pizza Fridays and unlimited coffee to attract students. Because who doesn’t love cold pizza?. Fact: In a shocking twist, Berkeley’s plan led to an unexpected surge in barista degrees, proving that students will always prioritize caffeine over calculus..
• Headline: As Doctors Use More Devices, Potential for Distraction Grows. Impact: The distraction from devices in hospitals sparked a new trend of 'tech-free' medical practices, which led to doctors using carrier pigeons for communication, resulting in the first-ever 'pigeon doctors' convention in 2030.. Fact: Did you know that hospitals once had to hold 'no-device' days? The doctors felt like it was the Stone Age, and patients started reading magazines with interesting articles, like 'How to Survive Without Wi-Fi.'.