NOVEMBER 2, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reviving the Tradition of Butcher Shops. Impact: In an alternate timeline, the resurgence of butcher shops led to the formation of a secret society of meat enthusiasts who eventually overthrew the fast-food industry, forcing everyone to learn the ancient art of steak preparation. The first burger was never flipped again!. Fact: Did you know that 'butcher' is derived from the Old French word 'bouchier'? So basically, if you don't know your meat cuts, you're just a clueless 'bouchier' wandering around the grocery store..
• Headline: Innovative Robots Measure Ocean Data. Impact: This fleet of oceangoing robots accidentally stumbled upon the lost city of Atlantis while measuring waves. Unfortunately, they were too busy calculating salinity to notice the ancient civilization just below the surface.. Fact: Did you know that the ocean is so vast that if you put all the robots end to end, they would still be less annoying than your average person trying to explain the latest app?.
• Headline: Severance Pay Controversy Involving Herman Cain. Impact: Herman Cain's severance pay became the foundation of a new financial movement called 'Culinary Compensation,' which sparked debates on whether culinary mishaps should come with a severance package. Spoiler alert: they don't.. Fact: Did you know that $35,000 could have bought you a lifetime supply of takeout? Meanwhile, the culinary world still wonders how to recover from that one awkward dinner..
• Headline: Austerity Faces Test as Greeks Question Their Ties to Euro. Impact: The Greek questioning of the euro led to an unexpected time loop where every time they debated, they accidentally invented a new form of currency based on olives and feta cheese. This continues to confuse economists to this day.. Fact: Did you know that the Greeks invented democracy? They probably didn't foresee it leading to endless debates on currency. Thanks, guys!.
• Headline: Stone-Washed Blue Jeans (Minus the Washed). Impact: The water-saving techniques from Levi Strauss led to a global revolution where jeans became so sustainable that people began using them as currency. The phrase 'money can't buy happiness' was redefined to 'money can't buy jeans!'. Fact: Did you know that stone-washed jeans were a thing because we decided jeans needed to look distressed, just like our love lives? Fashion truly is a reflection of our inner turmoil..