OCTOBER 13, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mansour Arbabsiar's Involvement in Terror Plot. Impact: If Mansour had succeeded, the resulting diplomatic fallout could have led to a reality where Saudi Arabia and Iran were engaged in a full-blown feud, prompting a global shortage of oil, thus leading to a rise in electric scooters and the hipster movement. Thanks, Mansour.. Fact: Mansour's name has become synonymous with 'Oops, wrong target!' in the world of espionage. Who knew plotting could be such a clumsy endeavor?.
• Headline: Herman Cain's 9-9-9 Tax Plan Explained. Impact: Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, if implemented, could have led to a reality where everyone simply pays 9% of their income, leading to a collective existential crisis about the meaning of taxes and life itself. Tax accountants would have become the new shamans.. Fact: Herman Cain's plan was so catchy that even toddlers were humming '9-9-9' instead of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.'.
• Headline: Bowery: Where Past Meets Present. Impact: The clash of shabby and chic could have ignited a fashion revolution where thrift store chic became the new haute couture, leading to a world where people wear pajamas in public and call it 'urban elegance.'. Fact: The Bowery House is actually a front for a secret society of hipsters who communicate exclusively through ironic t-shirts..
• Headline: In Strangers’ Glances at Family, Tensions Linger. Impact: As families like this one navigate racial tensions, the societal ripples could lead to a new genre of reality TV, featuring families confronting strangers over their opinions—imagine the ratings!. Fact: Racism: The only sport where everyone seems to be an expert, but no one really knows the rules..