OCTOBER 9, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Al Davis: The Unyielding Maverick. Impact: Al Davis's relentless maverick style inspired countless future sports executives to ignore common sense and chase their wildest whims. Who knew that one man's disregard for tradition would lead to a new era of teams drafting players based on TikTok followers?. Fact: Did you know that Al Davis once famously said, 'Just win, baby!'? A motto that surely inspired a generation of sports fans to prioritize winning over, you know, basic human decency..
• Headline: Michael Jackson Tribute Concert in Wales. Impact: Michael Jackson's tribute concert revived his music, but also sparked a series of increasingly bizarre hologram performances in the future. Thanks, Michael, for paving the way for holograms of everyone from Elvis to your neighbor's cat.. Fact: Did you know that Michael Jackson once had a pet chimpanzee named Bubbles? Because obviously, a pop star with a pet chimpanzee was the logical step in the evolution of celebrity culture..
• Headline: Germany and France Bank Recapitalization Talks. Impact: The vague promises of bank recapitalization led to a centuries-long tradition of politicians making grandiose statements about economic policies while the public just hopes for a miracle. Spoiler alert: miracles don't come with specifics.. Fact: Did you know that 'coordination of economic policies' is basically political code for 'we'll talk about this for a while and hope you forget we never did anything'?.
• Headline: A Voice, Still Vibrant, Reflects on Mortality. Impact: Christopher Hitchens's perspective on living with cancer inspired future generations to approach life-threatening illnesses with a sense of humor. You know, because laughing in the face of mortality is a great way to cope... or so they say.. Fact: Did you know Hitchens was known for his razor-sharp wit? He once said, 'What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence.' A mantra that would save us all some time in today's debates..
• Headline: Church Protests in Cairo Turn Deadly. Impact: The deadly protests in Cairo set off a chain reaction of civil unrest in the region, leading to a whole new level of political awareness. Who knew that violence could be a catalyst for change? Oh wait, it happens all the time.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'peaceful protest' is often a wishful thinking mantra used by those who haven't experienced the actual chaos? Just saying..