OCTOBER 2, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cano Shines in Yankees Playoff Victory. Impact: If Cano hadn't knocked it out of the park, the Yankees might have decided to turn their baseball stadium into a giant hot dog stand instead, leading to a nationwide hot dog shortage and a rise in vegetarianism among baseball fans. Thanks, Cano!. Fact: Robinson Cano's six RBIs that day not only helped the Yankees win but also led to a surge in people naming their pets 'Cano'—because who wouldn't want a pet that reminds them of baseball glory?.
• Headline: From Harmonies to Horrors: A Shift in Showbiz. Impact: The success of 'Glee' paved the way for a world where singing competitions are a legitimate career path, resulting in an unexpected increase in karaoke bars worldwide and a decrease in public singing skills.. Fact: The transition from 'Glee' to 'American Horror Story' was so jarring that some fans are still trying to figure out how to do the 'Thriller' dance in a high school musical setting..
• Headline: Indelible Day: Corigliano's Sept. 11 Song Cycle. Impact: This song cycle might have inspired countless Americans to reflect on the events of 9/11, leading to a bizarre trend of people choosing somber soundtracks for their daily commutes, turning public transport into a traveling funeral.. Fact: John Corigliano's work, while hauntingly beautiful, has been known to make cats weep—proving that even felines have a soft spot for poignant music..
• Headline: In Debt Talks, Divide on What Tax Breaks Are Worth Keeping. Impact: The ongoing debate over tax breaks means that politicians will never run out of things to argue about, ensuring that we’ll continue to hear the phrase 'bipartisan agreement' only in sci-fi movies.. Fact: The only thing that bipartisan politicians agree on is that they can’t agree on anything—a true marvel of modern governance!.