AUGUST 27, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Biking Through the Aftermath of 9/11. Impact: If only that New Yorker had chosen yoga instead of biking, we could have avoided the entire 'bicycle revolution' of the 21st century, complete with overpriced hipster cafes and a shortage of bike lanes in every city. Who knew a tragic event would lead to such an influx of spandex and granola?. Fact: Biking as therapy really took off after 9/11. Who knew that dodging traffic could be a form of emotional recovery?.
• Headline: Twitter's Free Speech Limits Tested. Impact: Cassidy's 8,000 posts set a precedent, leading to the eventual rise of social media influencers who would later spend hours posting about their avocado toast. If only he had directed that energy into cat videos, the internet might have been a happier place.. Fact: 8,000 posts is just about the number of times we’ve all thought about deleting our social media accounts after a particularly cringeworthy tweet..
• Headline: South African Goes From Never a Sip to Vineyard Fame. Impact: Ntsiki Biyela's journey not only transformed South African winemaking but also inspired countless 'American Dream' stories, leading to a grape shortage that forced hipsters to start brewing their own kombucha in their kitchens. Cheers to that!. Fact: Biyela’s rise from humble beginnings to vineyard fame is like a real-life Cinderella story, only instead of a glass slipper, she’s holding a wine glass—much more practical!.
• Headline: One Lost Day Follows Another. Impact: A.J. Burnett's performance was so 'not great' that it inspired a whole generation of fans to start watching reruns of their favorite sitcoms instead of baseball, proving that sometimes the best way to cope is just to avoid disappointment entirely.. Fact: Burnett's bad days are a reminder that even professional athletes can have 'off' days—like when you forget to put on pants during a Zoom call..