AUGUST 18, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nigeria's Islamist Insurgency Expands Links. Impact: The rise of this Islamist group not only destabilized Nigeria but also inspired a new wave of 'extreme vacationing' for extremists everywhere, leading to poorly planned excursions and a surge in travel insurance policies geared towards conflict zones.. Fact: Did you know that 'upending' can also refer to the act of flipping pancakes? Unfortunately, this insurgency is far less appetizing..
• Headline: S.E.C. Document Destruction Scandal Revealed. Impact: The destruction of these SEC files not only allowed Madoff's scheme to flourish but also inspired a generation of accountants and lawyers to consider 'creative document management' as a new career path. Who needs ethics when you have a shredder?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more elusive than these SEC files is a good reason for trusting Wall Street..
• Headline: Marijuana and Child Welfare Scrutiny. Impact: This case not only showcased the absurdity of scrutinizing parents for a harmless plant but also led to a generation of children who learned to hide their snack cookies better than their parents hid their marijuana. Thanks, child welfare!. Fact: Did you know that in some states, the real crime is being caught with a snack stash and not the questionable parenting decisions? Who knew parenting could be so thrilling?.
• Headline: Cuts in Health Care May Undermine Role in Labor Market. Impact: Cuts in healthcare funding prompted a nationwide hunt for the 'hidden job market,' leading to the rise of self-care influencers and a flourishing black market for essential oils. Because who needs real healthcare when you've got lavender?. Fact: Did you know that the healthcare sector is like that friend who always says they'll 'get their life together' but never does? Spoiler alert: they didn't this time either..
• Headline: U.S. Inquiry Is Said to Focus on S.&P. Ratings. Impact: The S&P ratings scandal not only led to a crisis of confidence in financial institutions but also inspired a wave of conspiracy theories about how financial analysts were secretly trained by psychics. No numbers, just vibes.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than those mortgage ratings was the egos of the analysts involved? Talk about a double bubble!.