AUGUST 16, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Christine Quinn's Mayoral Campaign Shift. Impact: If Quinn had never shifted her stance, perhaps the entire NYC political landscape would have been dominated by left-leaning activists who only speak in hashtags and protest chants. Imagine a world where brunch menus include a side of socialism!. Fact: Christine C. Quinn was the first woman to serve as Speaker of the New York City Council. So, you know, just casually breaking glass ceilings while deciding how to woo the masses..
• Headline: Buffett Advocates Higher Taxes on Billionaires. Impact: Buffett's call for higher taxes might have inspired a generation of billionaires to actually contribute to society instead of just collecting art and private jets. But hey, who needs social responsibility when you can have a yacht the size of a small country?. Fact: Warren Buffett famously lives in a modest house in Omaha, Nebraska. I guess he's saving up for that tax increase he wants everyone else to pay!.
• Headline: Pedestrian Safety Crisis in Florida. Impact: The rise in pedestrian deaths could have led to a new trend in urban planning where walking becomes an extreme sport. Who needs sidewalks when you can dodge cars like it's an Olympic event?. Fact: Florida is known for its alligators, but who knew it was also the national champion of pedestrian peril? Perhaps pedestrians should take tips from their reptilian neighbors on how to avoid danger..
• Headline: Google’s Coup Shifts Mobile Alliances. Impact: If Google had fully embraced its open-platform promise, maybe we would have seen a world where apps are like a free buffet—everyone brings their own dish, and you never know if it's going to be delicious or a complete disaster.. Fact: Google's motto is 'Don't be evil.' But if they're going to create rivalries with former partners, someone should really remind them that evil can be a slippery slope—just ask the Emperor..
• Headline: Nordstrom in New York to Use an Alias. Impact: Nordstrom's alias could have set a trend where retail stores adopt secret identities like superheroes. 'By day, we sell clothes; by night, we are the guardians of good taste!'. Fact: Treasure & Bond was designed to donate all profits to charity. So, if you ever felt guilty about shopping, just remember you can buy overpriced items while pretending to help the world!.