AUGUST 11, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Netherlands Considers Mileage Tax for Drivers. Impact: As drivers begrudgingly pay for every mile, car manufacturers scramble to develop a 'mileage-eliminating' technology, which ultimately leads to the invention of teleportation. The irony? Everyone still complains about traffic.. Fact: Did you know that before the invention of the car, people walked everywhere? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Chinese Investors Shift Focus to New York. Impact: By investing in New York, China inadvertently sets off a chain reaction where Wall Street brokers become so rich they start buying islands, leading to a future where global currencies are based on the number of islands one owns. Monopoly money becomes the new gold standard.. Fact: Fun fact: New York was once known as New Amsterdam. So if you think the Dutch made a bad investment, just wait until you see what happens next!.
• Headline: Banking Crisis Fears Spread Worldwide. Impact: The panic over European banks causes a global crisis of confidence that leads to people hiding their money in mattresses. This bizarre trend starts the future 'Mattress Banking' industry, where interest rates are paid in dust bunnies.. Fact: Did you know that bank failures often lead to the invention of more secure banking methods? Let's hope someone is working on a 'no-idiots-allowed' policy!.
• Headline: It Zigs, It Zags: U.S. Market Rises 4% After a Down Day. Impact: The rollercoaster of the stock market leads to a new trend in amusement parks, where roller coasters mimic stock market patterns, allowing thrill-seekers to experience both adrenaline and financial anxiety simultaneously.. Fact: Ever notice how the stock market behaves like that one friend who can't decide where to eat? Always zigging and zagging, and at the end of the day, everyone just ends up at the same boring place..