AUGUST 7, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Expands Efforts Against Drug Cartels. Impact: This event led to an intricate web of international relations where snooping on neighbors became a national pastime, resulting in the invention of Wi-Fi routers so people could eavesdrop from the comfort of their own couch.. Fact: Did you know that the Mexican drug cartels have been known to throw extravagant parties? So, if you ever wanted to crash a party hosted by drug lords, you might want to brush up on your Spanish and pack some party favors..
• Headline: Assault on Deir al-Zour Intensifies. Impact: The Syrian military's actions sparked a chain reaction that would inspire countless action movie plots, leading to a new genre of films titled 'Tank-tastic Adventures'—the plot of which will always be 'Why can't we all just get along?'. Fact: Did you know that the name 'Deir al-Zour' translates to 'Monastery of the Valley'? Because nothing says 'peaceful valley' quite like tanks rolling through..
• Headline: Hugh Carey: NYC's Financial Savior Passes Away. Impact: Carey's fiscal rescue efforts not only saved New York City but also laid the groundwork for a future where every mayor would be a financial juggler, leading to the rise of reality TV shows like 'Budgeting with the Stars'.. Fact: Did you know that during Carey's tenure, New York City was so broke, it had to use Monopoly money to pay its bills? Oh wait, that was just a rumor—but it certainly felt that way!.
• Headline: Fiscal Woe Haunting Baltimore Poe House. Impact: The financial woes of the Poe House turned it into a symbol of artistic struggle, inspiring future generations of artists to put their financial troubles in their work—leading to an explosion of sad poetry and existential dread in coffee shops everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that Edgar Allan Poe once said, 'I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity'? Seems like the Poe House could use a bit of that insanity right about now..