JULY 28, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trans-Atlantic Flight Carbon Fees Controversy. Impact: The battle over carbon fees turned into a full-blown airline soap opera, where airlines started charging passengers not just for baggage, but for their own guilt about the carbon footprint. This led to the creation of 'Guilt Class' where travelers could pay extra to sit in seats made from recycled guilt. Who knew flying could be so emotionally taxing?. Fact: Did you know that if all the carbon fees collected from trans-Atlantic flights were actually used for green initiatives, we might have had flying cars by now? Just kidding, they’d probably still be stuck in traffic..
• Headline: Boehner's Shift: A Tougher Political Stance. Impact: Boehner's tough love approach inadvertently inspired a reality TV series where politicians compete in a 'Survivor: Capitol Hill' setting. Spoiler alert: the castaways always end up eating each other’s policies for breakfast.. Fact: Fun fact: Boehner's tan was actually a secret government experiment to see if he could blend in with the orange hue of the House floor. The results are still inconclusive..
• Headline: Political Controversy Over Immigrant Detention Center. Impact: The controversy over the detention center bid led to a series of political scandals that snowballed into a full-blown reality show called 'Bidding Wars: Immigrant Edition.' Viewers tuned in to see who could out-bid their opponents for the best headlines.. Fact: Did you know Essex County was once just known for its great pizza? Now it's infamous for its 'open' bidding processes that are as transparent as a brick wall..
• Headline: ‘It’s Alive! It’s Alive!’ Maybe Right Here on Earth. Impact: The quest for creating life from inanimate matter sparked a new wave of mad scientist conventions where attendees could showcase their 'creations.' This ultimately led to the emergence of a new profession: 'Professional Life Generators.'. Fact: Did you know that if they manage to create life in a lab, it’ll probably be a more responsible adult than half of the politicians in office? Just saying..