JULY 17, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Emerging Threat: Bath Salts Crisis. Impact: The emergence of 'bath salts' led to a global increase in bizarre behavior, inspiring a new subgenre of reality TV where contestants compete to see who can survive the strangest drug-induced antics. Congratulations, society!. Fact: Did you know that 'bath salts' are not actually used for bathing? Who knew that the only thing more shocking than the name is the actual effect?.
• Headline: Bachmann's Advocacy for Gay Rights and Faith. Impact: Michele Bachmann's rise to political prominence sparked a wave of similar evangelical politicians, leading to the widespread belief that mixing faith and politics was a recipe for a reality TV show rather than governance. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.. Fact: Did you know that fighting against same-sex marriage was such a popular pastime among politicians that it could have been an Olympic sport? Well, at least there would be medals involved!.
• Headline: Charter Schools in Wealthy Suburbs Controversy. Impact: The shift of charter schools into affluent suburbs ignited a trend where rich kids began to 'struggle' in their application essays, leading to an entire cottage industry of elite tutoring services for the 'troubled affluent.'. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'affluent suburbs' is just a fancy way of saying 'we have good schools, but we want even better ones'? It's like ordering the best steak at a fancy restaurant and then asking for a side of caviar..
• Headline: Egypt Military Aims to Cement Muscular Role in Government. Impact: The Egyptian military's increasing role in governance led to a domino effect of military uprisings and coups across the region, proving that 'might makes right' is a philosophy that never goes out of style.. Fact: Did you know that when military leaders take over governments, they often forget that ruling is not the same as playing a game of Risk? Spoiler: You don't get to roll dice to decide policy!.