JULY 2, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reviving the Marathon Swimming Tradition. Impact: The revival of marathon swimming sparked a global obsession with long-distance water sports, leading to the establishment of the International Bureau of Pointless Challenges, which oversees bizarre competitions like 'swimming across a kiddie pool filled with Jell-O'.. Fact: Did you know that swimming 120 miles in open water is only slightly less ridiculous than running a marathon? At least you can float if you get tired!.
• Headline: Debate on Coney Island Boardwalk Materials. Impact: The fight over boardwalk materials ignited a worldwide movement for sustainable aesthetics, causing hipsters everywhere to demand reclaimed wood for their artisanal coffee shops, forever altering the coffee-drinking experience.. Fact: Fun fact: The word 'boardwalk' has been used more than once in board meetings to justify unnecessary expenses. Just imagine the number of overpriced lattes that led to this!.
• Headline: Yankees Dominate Mets in Crosstown Rivalry. Impact: The Mets' inability to bring runners home led to a series of motivational speeches from sports coaches, inadvertently causing a spike in inspirational quotes on social media, ruining the internet for everyone.. Fact: Did you know that leaving 11 runners on base is statistically more likely than the Mets winning the World Series? At least they’re consistent!.
• Headline: Strauss-Kahn Accuser’s Call Alarmed Prosecutors. Impact: The unraveling of the Strauss-Kahn case set off a chain reaction that prompted stricter regulations on high-profile cases, leading to the creation of the 'Guilty Until Proven Innocent' club, which ironically boasts a high membership of lawyers.. Fact: Did you know that a single phone call can change the course of a legal battle? Just ask anyone who's ever accidentally dialed the wrong number while trying to order pizza..
• Headline: U.S. Expands Its Drone War Into Somalia. Impact: The expansion of drone warfare into Somalia created a new genre of film: 'Drone Cinema', where plotlines revolve around the thrilling life of a drone operator, leading to a strange fascination with virtual warfare and a resurgence of interest in remote-controlled toys.. Fact: Fun fact: Drones can be used for more than just military operations; they also excel at ruining picnics by hovering ominously above unsuspecting sunbathers!.