JUNE 3, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Spear Phishing Scandal Targets Gmail Users. Impact: After this headline, a wave of cyber awareness swept the globe, leading to increased paranoia about emails. Suddenly, no one trusted their Aunt Linda's cat photos, causing the feline internet industry to collapse. Sorry, cats.. Fact: Spear phishing is not just a fishing technique; it’s also how you explain to Grandma why you didn’t open her email with the ‘urgent’ subject line..
• Headline: Cirque du Soleil's Grand Show Launch. Impact: Laliberté's demand for 'wow' catalyzed an entire industry of ridiculously extravagant shows, leading to a future where people demand ‘wow’ from their morning coffee. Starbucks now offers ‘Wow-ccino’.. Fact: Cirque du Soleil is French for ‘Circus of the Sun’, but in reality, it should be called ‘Circus of People Who Will Pay Way Too Much for a Ticket’..
• Headline: U.S. Job Growth Slows in May 2011. Impact: The slow hiring in May sent shockwaves through the economy. This forced the nation to consider a career in extreme couponing as an alternative job opportunity. Welcome to the Great Coupon Recession.. Fact: The unemployment rate rose to 9.1%—which is just a fancy way of saying that roughly 9 out of 100 people were fully committed to binge-watching Netflix instead of job hunting..
• Headline: Dr. Jack Kevorkian Dies at 83; A Doctor Who Helped End Lives. Impact: Dr. Kevorkian's death marked a significant point in discussions about euthanasia, leading to a future where every family gathering had at least one awkward conversation about 'the right to choose' over Thanksgiving dinner.. Fact: Known as 'Dr. Death', Kevorkian might have just been the first doctor to truly understand that people don't want to hear 'let's try one more treatment' for the 47th time..
• Headline: Keep My Boldface Name Out of It. Impact: This headline spurred a revolution in celebrity privacy, leading to the creation of ever-more convoluted names for LLCs, like 'Trust Fund Unicorns', just to keep fans guessing. Thanks for making our lives more interesting, celebs!. Fact: If you think your celebrity crush is buying under a cover name, think again. They’re probably just using a trust named after their favorite sandwich..