MAY 28, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Transition from Food Pyramid to Dinner Plate. Impact: With the Food Pyramid gone, we now face a world where dinner plates dominate our lives. In an alternate timeline, this shift leads to an international crisis where people argue over the correct plate size, sparking a global 'Plate Wars' that ultimately results in the establishment of the United Nations of Dinnerware.. Fact: Did you know that the Food Pyramid was once believed to be a magical structure that could summon healthy meals? Turns out, it was just a pyramid scheme for nutritionists..
• Headline: F.D.A. Approves Dificid for C. difficile Treatment. Impact: The approval of Dificid creates a bizarre chain reaction where hospitals start charging patients in their own currency: embarrassing stories of diarrhea. Fast forward, and now every hospital has a 'Diarrhea Hall of Fame' featuring the most outrageous tales.. Fact: Fun fact: before Dificid, doctors just suggested eating more bananas and hoping for the best. So, you're welcome for that medical breakthrough!.
• Headline: Rand Paul's Controversial Senate Tactics. Impact: Rand Paul’s antics lead to the creation of an underground club where politicians gather to out-buzz each other with increasingly ridiculous proposals. The club’s first rule? Always wear a bow tie.. Fact: Did you know that being a 'gadfly' is actually a compliment? In ancient Greece, it meant you were annoying enough to make people rethink their life choices. Thanks, Rand!.
• Headline: Wilpon’s Sudden Silence Speaks Volumes About His Style. Impact: Wilpon's mysterious silence leads to conspiracy theories that he is secretly running a parallel universe where the Mets are perennial champions. This alternate reality also has the notorious 'Mets Curse' that affects all teams but theirs.. Fact: Fun fact: silence can be golden, but in Wilpon’s case, it’s just $200 million worth of awkwardness. Maybe he was just trying to avoid any more questions about his team's performance..
• Headline: Shale Boom in Texas Could Increase U.S. Oil Output. Impact: The shale boom sparks a massive increase in oil output, which inadvertently leads to the creation of the 'Water Conservation Olympics' where competitors must find creative ways to save water while still enjoying their daily shower. Spoiler: they all lose.. Fact: Did you know that extracting oil from shale is like trying to squeeze juice from a rock? It might work, but you’ll need a lot of elbow grease and a good sense of humor..