MARCH 29, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Food Inflation Through Shrinkflation Tactics. Impact: When companies started hiding inflation in smaller bags, a secret society of snack enthusiasts formed. They now gather to compare bag sizes and plot world domination through reduced chip portions. The world is now run by potato chip advocates.. Fact: You know, just in case you thought you were getting a break on snacks—congratulations! You’re now a proud member of the 'You Paid More for Less' club..
• Headline: Power Struggles in Albany Budget Negotiations. Impact: This budget fight led to a temporal rift that propelled Sheldon Silver into a parallel universe where political titans are actually just oversized versions of themselves. He’s currently running a daycare for giant politicians.. Fact: Spoiler alert: Being overshadowed in Albany is a rite of passage. Next up, Sheldon gets a participation trophy for showing up..
• Headline: Maternity Tourism: A Controversial Practice. Impact: The maternity tourism house closure kickstarted a trend of 'birth tourism' that caused a new economic boom—now, every country offers 'Passport Baby' packages. Who knew giving birth could be the latest travel trend?. Fact: Fun fact: The children born from this tourism trend will grow up knowing the true meaning of 'dual citizenship' and 'unexpected vacation expenses.'.
• Headline: Facebook Prepares to Add Friends in Washington. Impact: Facebook’s move to Washington created a butterfly effect where every social media platform now has a lobbyist. We're just one cat video away from TikTok influencing Congress on 'how to dance through legislation.'. Fact: Did you know? Facebook's presence in D.C. means lawmakers might soon start using emojis in their bills. 💔😡💰.
• Headline: Obama Cites Limits of U.S. Role in Libya. Impact: Obama's cautious approach to Libya set a precedent, resulting in future presidents consulting a mystical oracle before intervening in foreign conflicts, leading to very strange diplomatic decisions over the years.. Fact: It's said that 'U.S. military intervention' is now just a euphemism for sending in a task force of diplomats with strong coffee and an awkward handshake..