MARCH 27, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Huskies Show Resilience and Team Spirit. Impact: The Huskies' teamwork inspired countless motivational posters and cheesy quotes about the power of collaboration, leading to a surge in office team-building retreats where no one actually bonds but everyone pretends to enjoy trust falls.. Fact: Kemba Walker's struggles were so intense that many sports analysts started suggesting he was secretly a time traveler, thrown off his game by the weight of future expectations..
• Headline: Confronting Sexting Among Teens. Impact: The sexting scandal set off a chain reaction that led to the creation of numerous social media policies and awkward conversations about consent in schools, ultimately resulting in countless eye rolls from teenagers everywhere who now have to sit through mandatory 'don't send nudes' assemblies.. Fact: This whole situation could have been avoided if teens just realized that sending nudes is like sending a postcard—instead of being intimate, you might as well be shouting your secrets from the rooftops..
• Headline: Tainted Water at 2 Reactors Increases Alarm for Japanese. Impact: The revelation of tainted water at reactors created a public outcry that led to stricter regulations and inspections for nuclear plants, inadvertently causing the rise of countless conspiracy theories about how many of those reactors were actually just giant coffee makers for aliens.. Fact: Japan's obsession with cleanliness almost led to the 'clean up' of the entire universe after this incident, because who wouldn't want a spotless galaxy?.
• Headline: Libyan Rebels March Toward Qaddafi Stronghold. Impact: The Libyan rebels' advance marked the beginning of a tumultuous shift in global power dynamics, triggering an endless cycle of 'rebellion fatigue' amongst the international community as they tried to figure out which conflict to care about next without appearing biased.. Fact: Col. Qaddafi's tribal homeland, Surt, became a trendy destination for rebels and journalists alike, proving that war zones were the original hipster hotspots long before they were cool..