MARCH 19, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Big East Showdown: Connecticut vs. Cincinnati. Impact: This thrilling basketball showdown led to a bizarre chain reaction where a Connecticut fan's overzealous celebration inadvertently created the first viral dance trend, leading to TikTok and ultimately, the decline of society as we know it.. Fact: The Big East has so many teams that if they were a country, they'd have their own national anthem. Spoiler: It's just a really loud cheer..
• Headline: Mets Missed Madoff Loan Warning. Impact: The Mets' failure to recognize Madoff's red flags set off a series of events that led to the creation of the phrase 'trust fund baby' becoming synonymous with cluelessness in sports management.. Fact: The Mets have been 'missing signals' since they were founded in 1962, but this one was particularly hard to miss. You'd think they'd have a better radar by now..
• Headline: Elizabeth Warren's Impact on Consumer Protection. Impact: Elizabeth Warren's rise to power inspired a secret society of consumer advocates who now send secret signals to warn us about predatory banks. Soon, they’ll be using carrier pigeons and smoke signals for maximum effect.. Fact: Warren scares Republicans so much that they’ve started carrying wooden stakes and garlic in their briefcases. You know, just in case they meet a vampire consumer advocate..
• Headline: In Japan’s Danger Zone, the Stranded Await the Merciful. Impact: The incident in Japan ignited a global awareness of nuclear safety, leading to a bizarre trend where people started conducting 'nuclear drills' for their pets, thinking it was a cute bonding activity.. Fact: The only thing more dangerous than a nuclear reactor is a government response after a disaster. Spoiler alert: It usually involves a lot of paperwork and very little action..
• Headline: Radiation Fears Cloud Japan’s Recovery. Impact: The waves of radiation fear led to a sudden boom in the organic food market, with people desperately trying to avoid anything remotely resembling the word 'nuclear.' Kale sales skyrocketed, and avocados became the new gold standard.. Fact: The only thing more radioactive than those fears was the avocado toast that millennials were consuming at the time. Talk about a toxic brunch!.