JANUARY 27, 2011

Full News Archive

• Headline: Republicans Critique Financial Crisis Report. Impact: The dissenters’ outcry against the financial crisis report eventually leads to an overwhelming trend of 'too domestic' policies, resulting in the rise of an underground movement dedicated to finding the nearest international complaint box. The world becomes a much more interesting place when everyone wants to blame their problems on other countries.. Fact: Did you know that financial crises are like bad relationships? Everyone sees the warning signs, but no one wants to take the blame until it's too late..
• Headline: Reviving NBC: A New Era Begins. Impact: This attempt to revive NBC's lineup leads to the creation of reality TV, which spirals into a multi-billion-dollar industry where all we get is drama, but none of it is as interesting as the behind-the-scenes drama at NBC. Thanks, executives, for ruining our intelligence!. Fact: Fun fact: NBC stands for 'Nothing But Commercials' nowadays! Or at least that’s how it feels between the actual shows..
• Headline: Republican Party Divided on Defense Cuts. Impact: The GOP's internal split over defense budget cuts leads to an unprecedented era of military spending debates, eventually inspiring a new genre of political satire where comedians get richer while politicians get poorer. Who knew humor could outlast military contracts?. Fact: Did you know that the Pentagon could fund a small country with its budget? Oh wait, they probably already do—it's just classified..
• Headline: Record Level of Stress Found in College Freshmen. Impact: The unprecedented levels of stress reported by college freshmen spark a nationwide trend in mental health awareness, leading to yoga classes in every dorm and a new generation that thinks 'finding oneself' is just a four-year degree away.. Fact: Did you know that the average college student has more stress than a CEO? But hey, at least CEOs have their own private jets to fly away from it all!.
• Headline: A Reservist in a New War, Against Foreclosure. Impact: The story of Sgt. Hurley and his foreclosure triggers a wave of legal reforms specifically aimed at protecting military personnel, which eventually leads to a reality where no one can even think about buying a house without a lawyer present. Who knew the housing market needed so much armor?. Fact: Fun fact: Foreclosure laws are so complicated they could double as a plot twist in a bad thriller movie—it’s always a surprise who ends up losing their home!.