DECEMBER 22, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Obama's Nuclear Treaty Challenges Unfold. Impact: The fallout from Obama's nuclear agenda was so intense that it created a rift in time, leading to alternate timelines where people debate whether hot dogs are sandwiches or not, all while ignoring nuclear threats. Thanks for that political divide, guys.. Fact: Did you know that in some alternate timeline, the arms control treaty with Russia was ironically ratified by a committee of cats? Yeah, I know, sounds more productive than Congress..
• Headline: Keeling's Climate Measurements and Their Impact. Impact: Keeling's work measuring CO2 levels may have inadvertently led to the rise of eco-warriors, activists, and countless memes of polar bears on tiny icebergs. If only he knew he was creating a world obsessed with climate change awareness and endless debates about reusable straws.. Fact: Did you know that Charles David Keeling actually invented the phrase 'carbon footprint' just to annoy people at parties? It's true! Just kidding—he was a serious scientist..
• Headline: A Tough Sell at Sears. Impact: Sears' decline was so spectacular that it inspired an entire generation of entrepreneurs to avoid retail altogether, leading to the rise of online shopping. Thanks, Sears! You single-handedly pushed everyone into the digital age.. Fact: Did you know that Sears once sold everything from houses to tombstones? Talk about one-stop shopping! Too bad they couldn't sell themselves a better business strategy..
• Headline: African Farmers Displaced as Investors Move In. Impact: The global land rush has created a game of Monopoly where real-life farmers are losing their properties to investors, ultimately leading to a shortage of farms and an increase in overpriced organic kale. Who knew greed could lead to such a nutritious outcome?. Fact: Did you know that if you take all the land taken from farmers and stack it up, you could build a really tall tower of disappointment? No? Well, now you do!.