OCTOBER 22, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Revolutionary Changes Coming to Credit Cards. Impact: The makeover of credit cards sparked a technological arms race among payment methods, eventually leading to the invention of credit cards that can predict your spending habits. In 2040, a credit card named 'Sirius Spend' was released that would literally refuse to let you buy anything deemed 'unnecessary', like a fifth pair of shoes. Thanks, credit card technology!. Fact: Fun fact: The first credit card was made of cardboard. Imagine trying to pay for a dinner date with a soggy piece of cardboard. Classy!.
• Headline: U.S. Aid Cut to Pakistan Over Troop Abuses. Impact: The loss of U.S. aid to Pakistan due to troop abuses led to a dramatic shift in geopolitical alliances, causing Pakistan to cozy up to an alien civilization that claimed to offer advanced technology in exchange for a few good curry recipes. The aliens, however, were rather disappointed when they found out that curry was not an intergalactic delicacy.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'cutting off aid' was once used to describe a haircut gone wrong? True story!.
• Headline: On Further Review, the Coach Stands. Impact: The lukewarm reception of 'Lombardi' the play led to a series of football-themed musicals that flopped spectacularly, culminating in the tragic 'Dancing Quarterbacks' which was too much for audiences to bear. As a result, football fans and theater lovers were forever divided—some still argue about whether the ‘Hail Mary’ is a dance move or a passing play.. Fact: Did you know that Vince Lombardi once said, 'Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing'? Clearly, he never saw 'Dancing Quarterbacks.'.
• Headline: Nations Agree on Need to Shrink Trade Imbalances. Impact: The agreement to shrink trade imbalances led to a bizarre trend where countries began swapping national dishes as a form of currency. As a result, sushi became the official currency of Japan, while America started trading burgers for haggis. Surprisingly, this led to a culinary renaissance, but it also caused a global crisis of taste.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'trade imbalance' was initially used to describe a situation where one country had way too many avocado toasts compared to another? Priorities!.