SEPTEMBER 9, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Falling Interest Rates. Impact: As interest rates fell, hipsters everywhere began investing in artisanal potato chip businesses. The economy spiraled into a crunchy crisis, leading to a shortage of traditional snacks and a rise in gourmet chip wars.. Fact: Did you know that falling interest rates are like a free pass for corporations to borrow money? It's like giving a toddler a cookie and then being surprised when the entire jar is empty..
• Headline: Google Launches Search Speed Tool. Impact: Google's new tool led to a bizarre chain reaction where people suddenly forgot how to ask questions. Instead of 'Where's the bathroom?' they started typing 'bathroom' into their smartphones and wandering aimlessly.. Fact: Did you know that Google's search algorithm is so advanced it could probably find your lost motivation to get out of bed? Spoiler: It's hiding under your blanket..
• Headline: Blair's Memoir Breaks Sales Records. Impact: Blair's memoir not only boosted his bank account but also inspired a new genre of memoirs titled 'How to Be a Controversial Politician and Still Get Rich'. Future politicians took notes, leading to a rise in ghostwriters and awkward book signings.. Fact: Did you know that selling a memoir is like selling your soul? The more scandalous, the higher the price. Just ask any politician who's ever sat down to write..
• Headline: Union Accuses China of Illegal Clean Energy Subsidies. Impact: The union's legal case against China sparked an international game of legal chess, where countries started filing lawsuits over the silliest things, like who had the best dumplings. Spoiler alert: It was never about clean energy.. Fact: Did you know that accusing a country of illegal subsidies is like telling your neighbor their lawn is too green? It might start a turf war, but nobody really knows how to resolve it without a barbecue..
• Headline: Sean Wilentz’s History ‘Bob Dylan in America’. Impact: Wilentz's book led to an unexpected resurgence of Bob Dylan covers in coffee shops, causing a temporary spike in plaid shirt sales and a global shortage of beards. Hipsters united in song, but the world lost its collective sanity.. Fact: Did you know that Bob Dylan’s songs are so iconic that even your grandma probably knows the chorus? But don’t ask her to sing it; she’ll just tell you about that one time she saw him live and it was ‘the best of times.’.