SEPTEMBER 5, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Faith Eroded in Afghan Leadership. Impact: The disenchantment with leaders in Corrupt-istan spiraled into a global trend of distrust, leading to the rise of 'trust no one' memes and an awkward surge in cat videos as a form of political commentary.. Fact: Afghans have been skeptical of their leaders for so long that they could probably write a bestselling novel titled 'How to Govern Badly: A Comprehensive Guide.'.
• Headline: The Intersection of Faith and Governance. Impact: Obama's struggle to bridge the cultural divide led to the emergence of a new political genre: 'Angry Tweets,' forever changing the landscape of political discourse and ensuring that no one could ever agree on anything ever again.. Fact: Cultural polarization was so intense that it sparked a new Olympic sport: competitive debating, where the only required skill is yelling louder than your opponent..
• Headline: The Rise of Mobile Robots in Our Spaces. Impact: The rise of robotic bosses has paved the way for a future where your boss can fire you without ever making eye contact, leading to mass unemployment in the field of awkward small talk.. Fact: Studies show that employees are 30% more productive when their boss is a robot, mainly because they can't complain about the Wi-Fi or how much they miss office birthday cakes..
• Headline: Democrats Plan Political Triage to Retain House. Impact: The Democrats' strategy to save the House can be traced back to a series of increasingly bizarre political tactics, eventually leading to candidates using interpretive dance to express their policies.. Fact: Political triage is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s play favorites with our money,' proving that campaign finances are just like high school: popularity contest rules apply..
• Headline: Attack Shows Lasting Threat to U.S. in Iraq. Impact: The attack in Iraq solidified the idea that the U.S. military's presence was a double-edged sword, leading future military planners to consider hiring therapists for soldiers instead of strategists.. Fact: Military operations in Iraq have been compared to a bad sequel of a movie nobody wanted; they just kept pushing forward, hoping that the next one would be better, but it never was..