AUGUST 18, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: China Clamps Down on Off-Book Lending. Impact: If only China had invented a time machine instead of strict rules, maybe they'd have traveled back to stop the banks from ever getting creative with their loans. The world might have avoided a financial crisis, or perhaps we’d just be stuck in a different kind of monetary mess. Thanks, China!. Fact: Did you know that 'off-book' sounds a lot like 'off-the-books'? This is just another way of saying 'we don't want the IRS to know about this.'.
• Headline: Maastricht's Plan to Curb Drug Tourism. Impact: Imagine if Maastricht's decision leads to a global trend of cities declaring themselves 'drug-free zones'—we could have a world where tourists are forced to take boring selfies with windmills instead. Oh wait, that's already happening.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'drug tourism' sounds like a fun vacation package? 'Come for the drugs, stay for the traffic jams!'.
• Headline: Rise of Personal Watermelons. Impact: The 'personal melon' trend might just signal the start of an underground watermelon black market. Soon, you'll see farmers wearing trench coats in alleys, peddling illegal giant melons. 'Psst, wanna buy a big watermelon? It's a real heavy hitter!'. Fact: Did you know that 'personal melons' sounds like a euphemism? I mean, can we just call them watermelons and leave the personal stuff out of it?.
• Headline: Given Money, Schools Wait on Rehiring Teachers. Impact: If schools keep waiting to rehire teachers, we might end up with a generation that thinks the only form of education is YouTube tutorials. 'How to be a doctor: Watch 50 videos and pray you don't kill anyone!'. Fact: Did you know that the federal aid for schools is like a diet soda? You think it's good for you, but it really just leaves you with more problems!.