AUGUST 15, 2010

Full News Archive

• Headline: Voter Anger Fuels Political Dynamics. Impact: The Democrats' realization that voter anger is predictable led to an increase in political strategists' salaries by 200% over the next decade, as they scrambled to keep up with the ever-so-obvious trends in voter sentiment. Meanwhile, a secret society of political consultants formed, based entirely on the principle of avoiding surprise attacks.. Fact: In 1994, a surprise attack led to the Republicans gaining control of Congress. Spoiler alert: no one saw it coming, except for anyone with a TV..
• Headline: Rodriguez's Return and Apology to Mets Fans. Impact: Rodriguez's return to the Mets sparked a series of events leading to the creation of a new psychological therapy called 'Baseball Anger Management,' which became a best-seller among athletes. Who knew that throwing baseballs could replace therapy sessions?. Fact: Assaulting a grandparent is frowned upon. However, apparently, it makes for great tabloid headlines and dramatic returns to the field!.
• Headline: In This Play, One Role Is Enough. Impact: This congressman’s wish to eliminate dual roles led to a nationwide crisis in identity, with mortgage servicers experiencing an existential crisis that resulted in a spike in therapy sessions for confused bankers. Dual roles? More like dual personalities.. Fact: If you think about it, Congress might actually be the biggest dual-role player of all—serving both the people and their own interests simultaneously!.
• Headline: Scissors, Glue, Pencils? Check. Cleaning Spray?. Impact: Parents providing cleaning products for schools opened up a new economy of 'School Supply Black Markets,' where parents traded homemade disinfectants for extra napkins and the coveted glitter pens. The school supply aisle became the new Wall Street!. Fact: The only thing more tragic than shrinking school budgets is parents being asked to provide cleaning supplies—because nothing says 'educational environment' like a bottle of bleach..